


No End

by TCRegan



Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: Angst, Chronic Pain, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-10
Updated: 2014-03-10
Packaged: 2018-01-15 05:50:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1293679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TCRegan/pseuds/TCRegan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fenris's markings leave him in constant pain that he sometimes has trouble hiding from his companions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No End

It hurts.

It hurts on some days worse than others.

His irritations aren't all due to Hawke's prodding or the abomination's ranting about mage rights, though those are close to the top of the list. He bristles at touch and for the most part he's left alone. No one wants a fist through their heart after all. But every so often, someone will brush against his skin or clap him on the back. Even a gentle, unassuming touch like those from Sebastian - who has proven to be a good friend over the years - hurts. 

The markings don't repulse him, they never have. He's been called beautiful, handsome, exotic. The compliments don't mean a damn thing, because it's no consolation for the pain that they cause. Intense, constant, unyielding, never ending pain.

Some would say he's lying. Some would laugh.

_"You wield that huge sword! There's no way you're in pain all the time. You wouldn't be able to lift it!"_

Regardless of the level of pain, it is always there. Some days it's almost a distant memory, humming in the back of his brain quietly. He can sit for hours and play diamondback and drink with the others with only mild discomfort. He can traipse down the coast or hike a mountain and feel fine fighting giant spiders. Those are the days he's happy to go with Hawke, those are the days he can joke with Varric about beards and dancing, or flirt with Isabela about the color of his smallclothes. But then a shift in the weather or the wrong spell used by one of the mages in too close proximity, or nothing at all will set it off.

He lies in bed, skin hypersensitive to even the softest of blankets. He dares not eat or drink anything, in case it brings with it a touch of nausea or somehow makes the pain worse. Sleep is out of his grasp, night turning to dawn and he prays to the Maker for some sort of relief. But there is none. Elfroot potions will not alleviate the pain. Gentle massages work only for so long, but there is the lingering twinge, the discomfort of an ache in his joint, tiny stabbing pinpricks down his spine or the dull throb in his hips.

He hasn't told any of his companions, though sometimes they do comment on his heightened irritability, his slowness in battle or his somewhat pronounced limp. Even the abomination offers healing, and that in itself is more embarrassment and shame than he can take.

_"Stop being stubborn!"_ Hawke would yell at him.

But no magic will heal his pain. He might find sweet relief for an hour or two, but the markings would counteract any real lasting effects. No, there was nothing the abomination could do that he has not already sought other mages for, spirit healer or no. Whatever was causing his pain, he knew it was intrinsically linked to the lyrium brandings. And the only way to relieve himself of those was death.

He would not choose that path. Life was too precious, he'd come to understand. Especially in Danarius's service, the magisters treating life as a cheap commodity, bleeding slaves to death to fuel whatever tricks they needed to impress others. He wouldn't give in to that. There had to be another cure. He would not resign himself to this.

"Fenris?" Sebastian's voice floats through the mansion.

Fenris struggles to sit up, wincing as the blanket slides from his legs, markings flaring at the sensitivity. It was a day where everything was a dull ache and his skin felt aflame with the simplest touches. He likened it to having the flu, which he was unfortunate enough to experience once a few years ago when all of Kirkwall seemed to have come down with the illness.

"I am here," he replies, and with concentrated effort, manages to pull his leggings on up over his hips.

Sebastian stops in the doorway, broad smiling sliding from his face as he looks him over. "Are you well?"

Fenris isn't sure how to answer that. Sebastian is a true friend, someone who wants to help him. Someone who would try to understand. But how do you explain a pain like this? A pain that never turns off, that is always with you? He can't. But nor can he lie.

"It will pass," he says, though he's more hopeful than sure.

"Hawke needs us. But if you're ill…"

Fenris weighs his options. He can go now, push himself through the pain, but that would leave him exhausted for tomorrow. As it is, he can barely stand, barely dress himself let alone pick up a greatsword. And he has yet to eat today, the daunting task of preparing any kind of meal suddenly overwhelming. He swallows hard.

"Perhaps… perhaps I…"

"It's fine," Sebastian says quickly. "I'll let him know you're not feeling up to it. Did you want me to send for a healer? Is there anything you need?"

Fenris manages a small smile at Sebastian's charitable nature. But there is nothing the man has that will help him, and he knows it. "Just rest, thank you," he says, and hopes Sebastian accepts that.

He does, thank the Maker, and wishes him well before he leaves. With effort, Fenris removes his leggings, biting back a cry as the leather feels like sandpaper or broken glass dragging across his skin. He takes a few deep breaths and settles himself back into bed.

It's hours before he's exhausted enough to sleep, and that does not come easily, nor uninterrupted, and when he wakes, it's to repeat it all over again. The only way he knows how.

One.

Day.

At.

A.

Time.

**Author's Note:**

> TMI/Personal Info Ahead
> 
> I have fibromyalgia. And it's been a very, very bad week/week and a half for me. So I was feeling a little self-indulgent. This isn't something I'd wish on anyone, and in the history of my diagnosis I've only ever inflicted it on one of my characters in one of my fandoms (I am so sorry, Harry Potter.) Fenris was the best choice for this bit of relief I was searching for in this somewhat word-vomiting stream of consciousness.
> 
> I'm not looking for, nor do I expect sympathy. Like Fenris, I've accepted it to be what it is and you just make the best of it day by day. You want to try to explain it to people, but you know you can't. You also can't expect them to fully understand even if you *do* explain it to them. I'm just happy for the support system I have to get me through the bad times.
> 
> Some links if you're interested in further reading:
> 
>  
> 
> [Fibro Definition - Mayo Clinic](http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/fibromyalgia/basics/definition/con-20019243)
> 
>  
> 
> [Wiki Info Dump](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fibromyalgia)
> 
>  
> 
> [The Spoon Theory](http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/) \- Best explanation I've read on understanding what it means to have a chronic disease or disorder, not just fibro
> 
> Thanks for sticking with me you guys. I appreciate that.
> 
> More "No Exchanges or Refunds" to come in the next few days with a sequel to shortly follow. Following THAT, I have about three or four things on my plate that I really want to write. Chances are I'll be around for a long, long time. ^_^ <3


End file.
